Work

I thought I had worked out a sweet part-time job in the research lab I used to work in before graduate school. I contacted my old boss in February before E's arrival, and he had a project in mind for me etc. I contacted him at the end of April and he still seemed keen on having me back. I then contacted him last week to firm up the details and he tells me he needs a week to think about it. Then yesterday he tells me it isn't going to work out because he just hired a new fellow, but maybe in 3-4 months. I feel like I was misled and strung along.

So what do I do now? Go back to my old job where my boss doesn't speak with me and both of my friends are now gone after quitting their jobs? Go back to a place with a bad work environment? Is it up to me to determine what I should do with my 16 hours a week and what I should drop?I don't even care about what I was doing there. I want to try being a full-time genetic counselor but I don't want to put E in full time day care at 3 months either, maybe when he is 2 or 3 but then we will probably be on our way to baby #2. I'll never get a job if I'm pregnant. Then it will be another 2-3 years, and my skills will have fallen by the wayside and no one will want to hire me after 6 years. Should I just become a fulltime mother and forget about my 18 years of schooling, which is hard to do when paying off school loans until I'm 80? Am I being overly dramatic? Lots of babies go into fulltime daycare and do just fine, but I will miss him. But he won't be my baby forever. Who will I be when he is 18 and goes off to college if I don't have a career?

Hubby says not to let money be a factor in my decision, and my contribution to the family will not be monetary, which is very kind. But let's be honest I like to buy things and go out to eat and go on vacation and shop at Whole Foods, etc. All things that would be easier to justify the expense if I also made money.

But do I really want someone else to raise my child? Will he be stimulated enough? Will someone at daycare cuddle him all day like me (mainly because he has suddenly become adverse to napping in his craddle)? Will he be left to cry all alone in a crib? Just thinking about it makes me cry. Bleck, tearing up over a blog entry.

I guess that is my answer. I want E to feel nurtured and loved and I don't think a daycare will do it the way he likes. I guess I'm willing to sacrifice myself for that.

But this doesn't answer the question about my crappy job. I guess I will just go back and see how much it sucks. This saga is to be continued...